Human interaction has always been a source of fascination for me. Anyone who knows me or has read this blog before knows about my interest in the way we interact with one another. I’ve studied it on a personal, societal, familial, and corporate level. I’m even strange enough to do impromptu tests of my own when interacting with people that I see on a daily basis. So no… that day you felt the uncomfortable sensation of a mental prodding from me… it wasn’t in your head… I was probably probing you (innocently, of course).
I like to consider myself a good judge of character. I like to think that I’m a quick study when it comes to figuring people out. Many people will argue this point, but from my own perspective, my ability to put a finger on what makes me feel a certain way about someone else has yet to let me down in anything but the most basic of ways. Sure, I’m surprised by people almost every day. Someone I thought I had figured out will spring something new on me and make my little head spin with renewed curiosity about them… because when I am surprised, I just have to know more… I just have dig deeper into this newly discovered aspect… I MUST PROBE.
It is during the initial probing session that I usually begin to pick up on another person’s vibe. I use that word a lot… “vibe”. Sure… many people use it all the time. It’s actually becoming borderline cliche these days. But I like it. It’s the best word I can think of to describe the feeling I’m talking about. You know when you meet someone and you quickly come to the conclusion, be it well-founded or not, that you do or do not like them? You don’t really know this person… you may have only just met them… but something inside of you says “cool” or “not cool”. That’s vibe… or shall I say… that’s you picking up on their vibe. Get it? Got it? Good!
So my question becomes: Why do some people’s vibrations rub us the wrong way?
If you think about vibe in a more concrete way, you can make comparisons to other real-world objects, and thus better understand what it is about a person that attracts or repels you. Let’s pretend for a moment that people are massage chairs. Every massage chair is different, but they all share a few common similarities: they all have an exterior covering, various settings of vibration and massage, and an extra bell or whistle thrown in to make them unique. Applied to people, the external covering becomes their physical appearance, the settings become the personality, and the bells and whistles become the unique traits that individuate us from one another.
When you begin to shop for a massage chair, it is the external covering that you see first. You might see one and think it looks comfortable… or think it’s too short or too tall… or think your butt will never fit in the seat. You may like the color or the texture or the material that covers the chair, even before you’ve found out anything else about it. We do the same thing with people. I won’t go into the details about the validity or improperness of stereotyping by appearance, but we all do it (with people and with chairs). I’ve covered that topic in several other writings, so for the sake of time just agree with me that we judge by external appearance. Your first impression of another person, just as with the massage chair, is the way they look from the outside. Maybe you do or do not like their shape, their height, their color, their texture, the material that covers them (clothes), or any number of other external stimuli. In the same way you use these clues when shopping for a massage chair, the external covering of another person is often one of the deciding factors on whether or not you decide to try them on for size.
Let’s say you decide to sit in the chair. Or maybe you’re forced to sit in the chair by a pushy salesperson (just you could be forced to get to know someone by external forces in your life… work… mutual friends… etc). For the most part, a chair is a chair is a chair, right? Yes, some are fundamentally more comfortable than others but, for the most part, they all feel about the same. But a massage chair is different because it is more than just a surface to rest your buns on. It has settings that allow you to change the way it feels and to change the way it makes you feel. So you begin to toy around with the settings… turning this knob on… switching that one off… cranking up the built-in heat… you get the idea. Some of the settings are instant turn ons. You turn a switch juuuust right and it makes you sigh out-loud and settle in with both eyes closed. But turn the knob to a different setting, and the exact opposite occurs: you cringe, lift yourself off the seat, and start pushing every button on remote to try and get rid of the unpleasant sensation.
Remembering that the chair settings are akin to personality traits in the people we meet, apply the same scenario but replace chair with person. When you begin to tweak their settings, you may find traits that make you want to settle in and get to know them. They may be smart… funny… warm… caring… or, for some, dangerous… rude… pushy… or even aloof. Whatever settings push your buttons (no pun intended), you respond well to them when you sense them in other people. On the same token, when you see traits emerging that you do not like, you will begin to lift yourself from the seat and try to find a way to escape the situation.
Shifting back to the chair, you may decide it’s not really the one for you. You were ok with some of the settings, but there are some that you know you’ll never use. Ahh… but what about the fact that it reclines… or rolls… or has a neck massaging extension… or can fold up and fit inside your Altoids can (the Curiously Small Massage Chair). Maybe one of the bells and whistles will sway your opinion about the chair. Now consider a person. Maybe he/she is generally ok, but you get the feeling that they’re assy or selfish or even stuck on themselves from time to time. But then you find out that you both love the same things… or you just love their smile… or they have a sweet streak that really revs your motor… or they can fold up and fit inside your Altoids can (the Curiously Small New Friend). Maybe one of their bells and whistles will sway your opinion about them.
And sometimes they won’t.
Sometimes no number of bells and whistles will overcome the instinctive feeling you get that this person is just not someone you want to know or someone you’d like. You’ve overcome their external coverings, experimented with their settings, and asked about the bells and whistles. And you’re still not sold. That, my friends, is vibe.. and in this case, not a good one. You can’t explain it… you can’t tell another person why… and you don’t even know in your mind what it is… but something just doesn’t bode well with your buns. Other people may have the exact same chair and love it. But it’s just not working for you and no amount of testing will overcome your dislike of the person (see… I’m intentionally interchanging chair and person here… haha).
It’s odd when you stop and think about it: there’s just nothing you can squarely put your thumb on that rubs you the wrong way, but you still know it’s there… the vibrator is set at the wrong frequency and your senses are burning with dislike. Do they remind us of someone else that we know we don’t like? Do they remind us of ourselves… and the things about us that we know we don’t like? Perhaps something about their external coverings has tainted our perception and clouded our judgement about them? Is vibe-judging a sign of bitterness or cynicism or repressed hatred or, or or. Or is it something much more simple?
I honestly don’t have an idea on what causes this sensation… but it fascinates me none the less. Because the bad-vibe rejection is something much more internal that any other judgement we may pass. It’s not based on external prejudices. It’s not based on anything we actually know about the person. And it’s not based on anything they’ve done to us. It’s something deeper than that, something almost instinctive. Animals do it. Look at dogs… they may sniff one dog’s butt and be completely fine with it… and twenty minutes later, sniff another dog’s butt and want to tear it’s throat out. I’m perplexed by it and I want to know…
Why do some people rub us the wrong way? I’m open to suggestions. Just make sure your vibrator is turned to the low setting.
4 Comments
I can’t suggest anything on this topic but for me, I’ve noticed that I tend to get along well with the most hated people. I can never figure out why these people are hated by others so much because I find them to be the most comfortable people to be around with.
Are these hated people the honest ones?
‘Cause I know from experience that honesty is sometimes not appreciated as much as it should be!
Yes, they are the honest ones. They don’t sugarcoat anything they say. The best thing is they don’t backstab. Everything is expressed upfront to the receiver.
Me likes that approach a lot.