Ten Things I Learned About Me
August 10, 2005
I learned a few things about myself during my unannounced break from the blogging world:
1) I drink too much Mt Dew. I bought a twelve-pack of cans on Monday and had to stop at the gas station this morning to buy more. It’s Tuesday.
2) I will sit in front of my computer for hours doing absolutely nothing. How many times can I go to Google Sighseeing and look at the same pictures? A helluva lot of times, let me tell you!
3) I sound much better singing with my headphones on. I thought my neighbors hated me because I ignored them. I can unequivocally say that is not the case anymore.
4) I can survive with only two clear surfaces in my apartment: my bed and my computer chair. Well… the side of the bed I sleep on, anyway.
5) If you don’t go the mailbox for a long period of time, the mail carrier will not stop putting mail in your box. They will pack it in until the lock will no longer turn and you are forced to dodge projectile missing person postcards when the jaws of life pry the door open. I look like I like to put little cuts on my neck. In reality, my mail-dodging reflexes are just out of shape.
6) Dirty clothes can be re-worn a maximum of three times before they must either be washed or burned. And if you decide to go naked for a day, it really sucks having to put something on to get assaulted by the mailbox.
7) Water, if left in a bowl in the sink, will eventually cloud over… turn to gel… and begin to stink. Don’t think about getting rid of it at this point. Moving the bowl will crack the skin of the gel, release a cloud of funk, and make you wish you’d just moved instead of trying to clean up.
8) If you don’t answer the door when the traveling preacher and his family come, they will leave you bathroom reading material instead. The book they left me says, and I quote, “we deserve death and hell”. The preacher’s family wasn’t coming to preach… they wanted a glimpse of hell for their new book.
9) No amount of candle, incense, or Glade Plug-in will change the fact that mashed potatoes do not keep well if left out of the fridge overnight.
10) I’m a filthy, filthy little boy. I lived a couple of weeks in utter filth and disgust and I absolutely loved it. Seriously… it was a blast.
But on the last day of my break from the real world I scrubbed myself, my apartment, and my clothes. All is back to the way it was before. I suppose that’s a good thing. A little stretch of funk is good every now and then. But I really do like the way I smell better when I shower daily.
And other than the time capsule of dirty clothes, raw beef, and empty Dew cans that I buried under my bed, there is no proof that I am anything but a clean, upstanding member of society left to be discovered. Other than the view the cable repair guy saw when he came to fix my DVR… but who’s gonna believe him?
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