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Religion. Politics. Family Disfunction. Money. Bowel Movements. Women’s Age/Weight…

Show me “Touchy Subjects”! *Ding*

Seeing as how I’ve at least touched on most, if not all, of these subjects at some point, I feel like it’s time I add another to the list: suicide.

Suicide is a touchy subject because it combines our fear of talking about death with a whole myriad of other emotions and feelings: grief… loss… anger… emptiness… betrayal… just to name a few. Suicide seems to be especially taboo for those who have lost someone to it. Or for those who fear they may loose someone to it. And who hasn’t lost someone to suicide? The taking of one’s own life is the 8th leading cause of death in the United States. It’s the 3rd leading cause of death for the 15 - 25 age bracket. When you think about that it’s almost shocking.

Leave religion alone for a moment. Forget about what the Bible or the Koran or any other spiritual tome says about suicide. And assume that we’ve all heard the standard suicide spill: it’s never the answer… it’s the easy way out… it’s the cowardly way to deal with things… life is always better. Pretend you already know all of that. That’s not the approach I’m taking to the matter.

I’m curious about the people who try and try… but don’t succeed.

We know how it turns out when someone does succeed. They die. For whatever reason, they decide to no longer live and so they do just that. I wrote a long ditty several months back in which I responded to some of the secrets submitted to PostSecret. Among the secrets were several suicide related ones. As I stated then, “when someone REALLY wants to die, they die. If you REALLY wanted to kill yourself, you’d be dead by now”. I still believe that. No one “accidently” commits suicide. I’m sure there are a lot of folks out there that have accidently killed themselves. But I think if someone truly gets to the point where they think suicide is the only answer, they won’t fail. They’ll make sure they get the job done.

So what about the people who do fail? What is their motivation? What are they hoping to accomplish? In my PostSecret bit I said they wanted attention. I still think many do. I have now seen firsthand the kind of attention you can get by superficially trying to kill yourself. It’s a double-edged sword of sorts. On one hand, you don’t want to reinforce unhealthy behavior (like hurting oneself) by smothering someone with attention. On the other hand, you can’t ignore suicide attempts or suicidal thinking. Because you never know when someone is serious and when they’re just attention-seeking. And most of the people who do kill themselves have mentioned it at least once to someone before performing the act.

So on one level, I can assume that some much desired attention is received by attempting suicide. But to what end is attention to be gleaned? And is it ever acceptable, or ethical, to say enough is enough? If falling over yourself in response to a harmful action (such as a suicide attempt) is just reinforcement… coupled with the assumption that multiple failed attempts are just cries for attention and not born from an actual desire to die… is any good ever really accomplished with these folks?

I’ve seen people covered with scars from failed suicide attempts. Literally covered. Arms and wrists made into fleshy graph paper of superficial cuts. I’ve seen a neck lined with Frankenstein-like sutures from a failed throat-slashing attempt. I saw a self-inflicted stomach stab wound. I’ve heard stories of multiple overdose attempts… some with drugs that are rarely fatal, even in large doses. I’ve heard of people drinking household cleaners, rubbing alcohol, or bleach. Walking into traffic… jumping off of two or three story buildings… or trying to shove a toothbrush down the throat.

Except for the slashed throat, the majority of these behaviors will almost never lead to death. If done with serious intent, they could. But the people I’m referring to half-assed their attempts… intentionally. The one thing these behaviors do guarantee is pain, sickness, or scars which serve as daily reminders of stupidity. The person who stabbed themselves did it in the side of the stomach. Everyone knows there are much more deadly places to shove a knife. And if someone really wanted to die, would they want to suffer the uncomfortable, long process of death by swallowed toothbrush?

All of these self-destructive behaviors aren’t fatal… they’re painful. Why would someone want to inflict pain on themselves? You can ask the same question of the so-called cutters: what benefit is served by cutting yourself without the intent of death? Many say it’s so they can feel. If that’s truly the case, why would someone choose to feel pain above any other feeling? If I was trying to make myself feel something, pain would be the absolute last thing I would choose to feel. I have a hard time pricking my own finger for a blood-sugar test.

You can still write it all off as attention-seeking. The people who do these things always say they were trying to kill themselves. But they know they really weren’t. They wanted someone to notice them. It’s hard to ignore a stab wound… or a slashed throat… or toothbrush sticking out of someone’s throat. It’s because of the pain and misery that goes along with all of these attempts that makes me think something else is at play, beyond simple attention. I know there are people who enjoy pain. I don’t understand it, but I know it exists. You can’t get honest answers out of these folks when you talk to them, though. They’ll never admit the real reason behind their behavior.

So I’m stuck trying to figure it out myself. Is it all about the attention? The pain? Both? Something else? Maybe I should shove a hairbrush down my throat and see if I get it?