Enabled to Not Enable

May 12, 2006

Yesterday was one of those days that reminds me why I love my job, despite the psychotic episodes, the urine and stool samples, the numerous contagious infection threats, and the underlying knowledge that at any time I could be hurt, maimed, or killed by an irate patient. I led an RET group on self-esteem that could possibly be one of the best I’ve done since starting at the hospital. I literally had a line of five or six people waiting to tell me how great the group was when we got done. One even said he had to shake my hand for being honest and not “sugar coating” everything. As I told him, on top of everything, I’m a realist. Usually. Haha.

It’s not uncommon for one of these groups to tangent a bit at some point, and I usually indulge small tangents if they are in some way related to what we’re talking about. One of the tangents yesterday was about trading compliments for sex. I didn’t indulge that one. But I did indulge one patient and her tangent about an emotionally abusive boyfriend. According to her, she continued to stay with a guy who suppressed every one of her attempts at personal happiness in order for him to continue to pursue his own goals and objectives. Another patient piped up and said she’d been with a guy who had done the same thing for the past fifteen years. After the obvious “why would you stay with someone like that” spill, we got to talking about enabling.

After a few minutes of discussing these two women’s situations, I came to the conclusion that they were both wrapped up in a cycle of attempted “helping”… when in fact, they were not helping anyone. They were enabling the men in their lives to continue to exploit them. Enabling is sometimes confused with helping because, for the most part, the actions associated with both are similar. The main difference between helping and enabling is that the things we do that turn us into enablers are all things that the person we’re “helping” could and should be doing for themselves. Many times, a person doesn’t realize they’ve become an enabler until the title on the name badge already says so… followed by “X number of Years of Service”.

What exactly is enabling? How do you know if you’ve become an enabler? And if so, how do you escape the cycle of reinforced exploitation?

As I mentioned above, the defining characteristic of enabling behaviors is that they are things someone else should be doing for themselves. Obviously, you can’t enable someone if you’re helping them do something they’re not physically able to do for themselves. You can’t enable an infant with a dirty diaper. Bringing the paper to a bed-ridden family member isn’t enabling either.

On the other hand, bringing the paper to an able-bodied spouse when they beckon from the sofa might be. Giving in to the whining and excuses of a lazy child who doesn’t want to clean their own room might be enabling. Giving money to a friend or family member to pay their phone bill after they’ve spent all of their own money on booze or frivolous expenditures is almost certainly enabling. In fact, most hardcore drug or alcohol users tend to have at least one enabler amongst their ranks because, without one, they’d have a hard time keeping their habit up.

I should point out that enabling isn’t always about physical abilities, either. If you’ve ever blamed yourself for someone else’s behavior, you’ve enabled. If you’ve ever said you were going to do something, and then didn’t when someone else threatened to retaliate with something of their own, you’ve enabled. If you find yourself taking up the slack for someone else over and over again, you’ve enabled.

You see, the reason it’s called “enabling” is because that’s exactly what the end result of these behaviors is. By doing any of the things mentioned above, we’re enabling someone else to continue with an unhealthy or unacceptable course of behavior. By enabling these behaviors to continue, we are in effect, shielding the other person from the consequences of their behavior. At the same time, we’re also reinforcing the maladaptive behavior and actually making the situation worse. It’s a tough pill for many when they find out that their attempts at “helping” have actually been more detrimental than anything else.

Why would a lazy spouse ever get off the couch and get their own paper when they know they can beckon for you to get it… and you will. Why would a child ever clean his or her own room when they know they can throw a fit… and you will. Why would I ever spend my own money on bills when I know I can blow mine and then ask you for money… and you’ll give it to me. Why would I take responsibility for my own behavior when I know you will? Why would you believe me when I say I’m going to leave you when I change my mind as soon as you start crying or tell me things are going to change? And why would you ever put your all into a project when you know I’ll take care of all of the things you didn’t do?

The only way… yes… ONLY… way to end an enabling cycle is force the enabled person to confront the consequences of their behavior. Say no when you’re beckoned for. Ground a child until he or she cleans up their room. Let your friend or family member’s lights get turned off when they don’t pay their bills. Stop taking responsibility for other people’s behavior: this happened because of what YOU did. If you say you’re going to leave a relationship, leave it regardless of the excuses that are made. And do your job to the best of your ability… and let the slack fall where it belongs.

Forcing a person to confront their own behavior isn’t always as easily done as said. Many people feel as though they’re being selfish or abandoning someone who needs them. Maybe they can’t stand the idea of someone they care about having to face unpleasant consequences. One of my co-workers recently threw her son out of the house. He had basically turned into a human-shaped leech. He refused to get a job or take any responsibility for anything in his life. He spent every day sleeping, eating, and using every resource available to him in the house without doing anything to contribute in return. Was it a hard choice for my co-worker to kick him out? Of course it was. Did she feel bad about having to do it? Of course she did. Does she hate the idea of him being left to his own devices out in the big, bad world? Oh yes, she does. But she also knows that it’s the only way he will ever learn to be anything but a human-shaped leech. By being forced to confront his own actions, he will in return be forced to make changes to those actions in order to survive.

Ending a cycle of enabling is hard and it’s scary. But in the long run it is always better than letting the cycle continue, for both parties involved. The enabler has one less burden to deal with and the enabled is forced to make changes if they want their situation to improve. Letting a cycle continue is not helpful in even the slightest of ways.

Enabling a person to continue a pattern of maladaptive behavior is even more harmful in the long run than the behavior itself. It must end if any changes are to be made…

Posted in Advice, Human Nature, Noteworthy

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