Selfish For Self
June 22, 2006
From a very early age, most of us are indoctrinated with the notion of sharing. We’re told not to hog the toys or the bathroom or even our old clothes. As we soon find out, being selfish isn’t a desirable personality trait. The thinking goes that the less selfish we are, the more friends we’ll have and the more other people will like us. Logically, I suppose that makes sense. Folks like other folks that they can get things from.
But I think there are several situations where it is not only acceptable, but in many regards preferable, to be selfish and think only of yourself… particularly if your own personal happiness is at stake.
When you honestly stop and look at the world and the life we’re given to live, you realize that there are so few things out there that are truly under our control. It’s almost disheartening when you really stop and think about it. Sure… opportunities abound for the willing. If you set your mind to something, you can do almost anything. But even then… the world will throw every obstacle and every roadblock in your way that it can muster. It’s hard to keep plowing ahead to make life bend to your will. Some folks give up and surrender to the forces of nature.
Back in March of last year, I wrote this in a post called Life: Full-time Job; Benefits Optional:
You can work your full time job [live your life] and get your benefits package at the same time (and maybe have your cake and eat it too if you’ve got the extra time). But it’s not going to be given to you. We’re going to have to go drag that little bugger into the picture… kicking and screaming, if need be. Life will take and take and take until it can’t take anymore… if you let it. Life owes you nothing. It doesn’t owe any of us a damn thing. Nor does anyone else. You can save the lives of a thousand orphans on a burning bus (it’s a very large bus… or very small orphans… stay with me here)… and still, you’re not really owed anything. But that doesn’t mean you can’t collect on the debt life has created in your existence.
The only person that owes you anything *is* you and, luckily, it’s your choice whether or not you make a withdrawal from the cosmic cash machine of benefits to repay yourself for the full-time job you never applied for and never accepted.
I still believe this. But I’m amending the original thought there with the idea of personal selfishness. Sometimes simply making a withdrawal from the cosmic cash machine isn’t enough if you spend the benefits or the time on other people… or if you let them dictate how and where you spend them. We’re already told how and where to spend a large chunk of our actual cash each day. We’re told where and how to spend a large chunk of our time (or at least where and how we should be spending it). Heck… we’re even told how to act when we’re at that place we’re supposed to spend all of our time.
Here’s where the selfish bit comes in. Two of the main aspects of our lives that we do have real control over is our behavior and our happiness. As I said in the post quoted above, I think it’s our job to make happiness a reality. It won’t just happen. We have to make choices and pursue those things which will bring some semblance of joy into the grind of daily life.
That being said, I think it’s often necessary to think only of ourselves when making those choices. Now before I continue, let me stress that I’m not advocating the exploitation or harm of others without regard in the pursuit of happiness. What I’m talking about are the choices we make about how we’re going to live our lives… who we’re going to be… where we’re going to go… and what we’re going to do once we get there.
Other people aren’t always going to agree with the choices we make. Other people aren’t always going to understand the things we do. Other people aren’t always going to approve of the lifestyles we lead. And ultimately, that’s really okay. We have to do what we want and be who we want to be all on our own. Maybe it sounds a little existential, but in the end, you are the only person who you can always depend on… always count on… and have to answer to at the end of the day. Your own happiness is far more important than the effect your decisions will have on others.
If someone takes issue with your life, it’s just that… an issue. But it’s not yours. It’s theirs. In the same way that other people’s behavior is out of our control, so too are their issues. Most of us have enough issues of our own without the need to take on those of other people. The best we can hope for is understanding from the people in our lives. Support would be nice, but sometimes a little more of a stretch for others. But neither are required. Regardless of whether or not we get an ounce of understanding or support from third parties, we still have to be happy with ourselves.
Bottom line: if you’re happy with who you are and where you’re going, more power to you. You’re better off than a lot of us who are still searching for what you already have. Be selfish… put yourself first… and leave the issues and hang-ups of other people where they belong: with those people. If they’re unhappy with YOUR choices, so be it. Their problem, not yours. If you have to make a tough choice to bring yourself one step closer to who you’d like to be… do it.
Take the step and never look back…
**This post is dedicated to a good friend of mine who recently took such a step. It may not be much, but my words are special to me. Hopefully they will be to you as well…**
Posted in Advice, Human Nature, Noteworthy
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September 26th, 2006 at 5:29 am
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December 17th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
[...] I’ve mentioned selfishness before. In fact, I’ve advocated being selfish when it comes to our own happiness. I’ve said on numerous occasions that it is often permissible, if not necessary, to think only of ourselves. But that was a little different. In the post Selfish For Self, I said this about the situations where selfishness is the best policy: What I’m talking about are the choices we make about how we’re going to live our lives… who we’re going to be… where we’re going to go… and what we’re going to do once we get there. [...]
July 14th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
[...] you’ve read Selfish for Self or Life: Full-time Job; Benefits Optional you’ll know that this is something I also struggle [...]