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A few months ago I wrote a post called I Love You, Me: Self Esteem in which I attempted to make a point on the importance of self-esteem. The conclusion to that post stated that I thought the first step to dealing with poor self-esteem was figuring out where yours is. We’ve all had a little time to figure that out. So now that we’re a little more certain of just where our self-esteem is, it’s time to take a look at how we go about making some changes in order to give it a good kick in the pants.

Boiled down to it’s essence, the main culprit behind poor self-esteem is faulty thinking. At work they’re called “cognitive distortions”. Whatever you call it, the way we think about ourselves and the things we say to ourselves are ultimately what determine how we feel about what we see in the mirror. If we want to change the way we feel about something, we have to change the way we think about it. Of course, this is much easier said than done.

As I’ve mentioned numerous times in the past, the approach we take to faulty thinking at the hospital is rational emotive therapy, or RET. The process involves identifying faulty thought patterns and then challenging them from a rational, fact-based perspective. According to RET, if you can’t prove something to be true, you’ve got to throw it out and adopt a new approach. And while RET probably won’t work for everyone, the ideas behind it are sound and time-tested as an effective means by which to bring about cognitive changes. Since we’ve had a couple of months to identify the thinking that’s led to our lowered self-esteem, we’ll move directly to the challenge phase of the process.

Think about one of the things you’ve said to yourself at some point in the past that caused your self-esteem to take a hit. Usually these are the “I’m a…” or I’m this… or I’m that kind of statements. You know… the stuff you say to yourself about yourself. One of the most common of these thoughts is the “I’m a failure” line or one of it’s derivatives. We usually think this after an unsuccessful attempt at something… obviously. This is the emotional reaction to a perceived failure, and by nature, the response that the great majority of people will immediately move into. It’s also the response that someone with an already dented self-esteem will most likely find themselves taking.

Here’s where the challenge comes into play. If I were working through the process of challenging myself to prove that statement, this is how I would do it:

1) It’s a fact that I failed at [insert what I just failed at]. But it’s probably the first time I tried it. Or it’s something I haven’t done often. Or it was a risky venture in the first place. But I know there’s a reason I did not succeed at it. Doing anything successfully takes practice. I have to fail to learn how not to do things in the future.
2) I’m not always a failure. I have succeeded at other things in the past. If I look at any of the things I can now put in my “success” column there was probably a failure at some point in the past. I should continue to maximize the things I have already succeeded at while I learn to [insert what I just failed at].
3) Mistakes are never bad unless I don’t learn from them. Every mistake or failure is a learning opportunity. No one is born knowing how to do anything. We can’t even wipe our own butts when we’re born. If I look at my failure as a chance to learn something it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.

I could go on. But I think you see the point. Yes, I failed at something. But that’s the difference in faulty thinking and rational thinking. It is not rationally sound to base how I feel about myself on my ability to do something. I am more than the sum of the things I can and can’t do. In this example we have to be able to separate the person from their abilities… the two are not the same. If we judge ourselves in this way we’re unconsciously saying that humans are no better than toasters. We judge toasters on how well they toast. But that’s all they do. There is nothing more to a toaster than heating elements. But you can’t tell me that humans are so simple.

What if your self-esteem issues are based on another of the more common problems people tend to have with themselves: physical appearance? This is a tricky one. Not because it’s necessarily hard to prove wrong. But because most people’s opinion of their physical appearance is, at least in some way, based on what other people say… or how other people treat them. Those things are internalized and become part of the person’s own belief system.

But here’s the thing about other people. First of all… their opinions are irrelevant. Remember… most of us have enough of own issues without the need to take on other people’s. Secondly, I’m a firm believer in the idea that two-thirds of the way other people see us is based on how we see ourselves. If you see yourself as worthless or weak or a failure, chances are other people will see you that way as well. And given time, you probably will become whatever it is that you think you are.

I touched on the idea of mind over matter a couple of years ago. This is the same thing. If you tell yourself that you’re weak, you probably will be. But not because you’re genuinely weak, but instead, because you behave like someone who is weak. If you think you’re fat, or ugly, or one of the many other things people say about themselves, you probably will become that way and you’ll act like someone who is. You’ll present yourself as fat or ugly, consciously or not, and other people will pick up on. Some people will even take advantage of it.

The opposite is also true. If you tell yourself that you are not, in fact, fat or ugly your behavior and your presentation will eventually change to match your thinking. It’s not an overnight process. But the change will occur. You have to start at the beginning and the end result will follow. Give yourself time to accept the “new you” and become the person you’re telling yourself that you are.

These ideas are only the seeds… a place to start. But the process is the same regardless of what is plaguing your self-esteem. It’s as simple as 1, 2, 3: 1) Identify your faulty thinking; 2) Challenge yourself to prove it; 3) Adopt new ways of thinking… and eventually your self-esteem will fall in line. You have to make a conscious effort to change. The subconscious will catch up in time. And before you know it, you can have a whole new outlook on the most important person in your life: yourself.

Part 2 of I Love You, Me. Please visit the Series page for a complete index of all related posts.