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Other than the recollection of an unpleasant public experience, I haven’t really written much about children. I’d venture a guess that it’s due, in part, to my general uneasiness with them. I don’t have a lot of experience around children, other than at times when I myself was one. Obviously, I have none of my own. I took a couple of developmental classes in college and I’ve done some private research on parenting styles. It is because of the latter of these two that I believe my interests were peaked when I discovered an old printout at work that dealt with parenting styles.

What was of particular interest to me was the fact that this wasn’t a handout on any traditional parenting style. It was a list of 12 rules developed by the Houston, Texas Police Department to teach parents how to raise delinquent children. Yes… you heard me. How to raise delinquent children. I’ve reproduced the rules here… complete with my own commentary, of course.

1) Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow up believing the world owes him a living.

• Giving a child everything it wants causes more problems than this first rule lets on. For one, this child will never know what it is to have to work for something. If everything is given, nothing is earned. Later on this can cause problems when the real world slaps him or her in the face. There are some things mom and dad can’t give.

2) When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he’s cute. It will also encourage him to pick up “cuter” phrases that will blow off the top of your head later.

• There is a time and a place for adult language. The places are private and the time is adulthood. Children have little concept of the difference in public and private locations. Foul-mouthed children get in trouble at school… at friend’s houses… anywhere that expects children to behave. When a child matures into an adult, he or she can decide then whether or not to add vulgarity to his or her repertoire. Until then, foul language should be discouraged.

3) Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21 and then let him “decide for himself.”

• Two points I’d like to make here. First, by the time a person is 21 years of age, the majority of their personality development, including moral fibers, are intact. This isn’t to say people don’t change after the age of 21. But the change is harder and often times less permanent. Second, despite a parent’s personal spiritual beliefs, religion holds the key to the vast majority of a culture’s moral law. Even in secular societies, historical religious backgrounds form the basis of the values that society holds dear. Whether we choose to practice/believe in anything of a spiritual nature, it is that nature that tells us what is right and what is wrong. Children raised in non-Western parts of the world have vastly different ideas on morality than their Western counterparts (a proof of concept, if you will). Children should, at the very least, be introduced to their culture’s spiritual heritage. I see no problem in allowing children to have a say in their own beliefs. But those of the society in which they live should not be ignored pending adulthood.

4) Avoid use of the word “wrong.” It may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car, that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

• I think this one is, in many ways, related to the previous item in the list. It is quite possible to teach children the idea of right vs wrong without instilling a sense of guilt. Different cultures have different ideas of what is “wrong.” Those ideas should be integrated into every child who grows up within that culture. Otherwise, conflicts with society (such as the example used in the rule) will no doubt plague the child as an adult.

5) Pick up everything he leaves lying around - books, shoes, and clothing. Do everything for him so he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility onto others.

• For a detailed report on my view on this type of behavior, point your browser to a previous post: Enabled to Not Enable. In a nutshell… enabling behavior, such as this, will create children with no sense of responsibility. And if they have no sense of responsibility their behavior will go unchecked.

6) Let him read any printed matter he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but let his mind feast on garbage.

• I’ve noticed this myself and commented on it numerous times. I’ve seen parents buy their 12 year old daughter a copy of Cosmopolitan. I’ve seen fathers, in an attempt to be “cool”, bring copies of Playboy home for their sons. Just because something gets printed doesn’t mean it’s acceptable reading material for a child. Just because a book or a magazine is popular among adults doesn’t mean your children should read it. When they are old enough to purchase such material it will be their choice. Until then, it is the parent’s.

7) Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not look shocked when the home is broken up later.

• Sometimes fights happen at the spur of the moment. Some cannot be avoided. But parents should set a good example for their children, regardless of what’s going on between mom and dad. When fights break out between parents, it would be in the children’s best interest to, at the very least, move to a private location from which to continue the argument. Best case scenario: mom and dad should use the opportunity to turn the argument into a civil discussion between two adults. But I’m not naive. I know that’s asking a lot.

8) Give a child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own. Why should he have things as tough as YOU had them?

• More enabling behavior. A child will never know the value of money if he or she never has to earn it. In addition, a job of any kind, be it mowing lawns or employment in the workforce, teaches children many valuable lessons. Work ethic… pride in one’s work… teamwork… and the ability to take direction from others, to name a few. These lessons are essential if an adult is to flourish in today’s society.

9) Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every sensual desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration.

• Frustration, and the stress and anxiety that accompany it, are normal parts of human existence. Children need exposure to these things at an early age so that they may have time to develop coping skills. Children who can’t handle frustration turn into adults who can’t handle frustration. Adults without the ability to deal with stress are usually much more resourceful than children when it comes to finding “alternative” ways to vent frustration. Besides… as we all know… denial is a regular occurrence. It will eventually happen to every child, no matter how shielded he or she is. They might as well get used to it early on.

10) Take his part against neighbors, teachers, and policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.

• We’ve all seen this before: parents who refuse to accept the fact that their children have committed some sort of violation against another person or are in need of some sort of help. I think this usually happens because parents take it personally when their children get in trouble. Never forget that children of any age are responsible for their own actions and should be help accountable for them. Work with others to help teach your children… not against them. A responsive parent will be much more valuable to their children than a “friend” parent. If a child screws up at home, he or she usually has to deal with some sort of retribution. Why should it be any different outside the home?

11) When he gets into real trouble, apologize for yourself by saying, “I never could do anything with him.”

• I’m willing to bet if a parent “never could do anything” with their own child it’s because they never tried. And now, when faced with a child who’s in trouble, the same parents who never really took the time to care for their children are yet again putting their own concerns ahead of their child’s. Maybe it’s because they regret never having attempted to teach their children in the past? Maybe it’s just selfishness or embarrassment.

12) Prepare for a life of grief. You will be apt to have it.

Like I said before, the views I’ve expressed here come from an outside perspective. I have never raised children of my own. I’ve never really assisted with the upbringing of a child. And while my lack of firsthand experience has it’s downsides, it also has it’s benefits. I know it’s one thing to preach a parenting style without ever having put it to use myself.

But an unbiased, unclouded perspective is sometimes helpful.