The Emotional Pressure Cooker
July 13, 2006
I used to love Thanksgiving. I’m not sure if it was actually Thanksgiving that I loved or if it was the knowledge that Christmas was right around the corner. I used to get up early with my parents to help start the Thanksgiving feast. I really didn’t do much more that sit in the kitchen and talk (imagine that). Sometimes mom would let me cut up bread for stuffing. But that’s about it. Every couple of years or so we’d host Thanksgiving at our house, even though we were always the most remote of the families, location wise (We were in Georgia or Texas while everyone else was in Missouri or Indiana).
When I was about 12, we were hosting Thanksgiving for my grandma, my aunt and uncle, and their kids. As usual, I got up early to “help”. I was sitting at the kitchen table talking to grandma while she peeled potatoes. There were already things bubbling away on the kitchen stove and you could smell the spices mom was putting into her world-famous Thanksgiving stuffing. One of the items on the stove was a pressure cooker. At the time I didn’t really know the difference between a pressure cooker and a piece of tupperware. Before I knew what had happened, that mysterious contraption started making a strange noise. As I watched, steam started to come out of the top through the little thing that’s supposed to regulate the pressure. Except that, unbeknown to us, it was broken.
Just like that the pressure cooker exploded. So much pressure had built up inside of it that there was absolutely no more room inside of it’s confines. I watched in slow-motion horror as the little regulator thing came hurtling toward me at what seemed like warp speed. I tried to duck. But it hit me. Hard. In the neck. It’s a Thanksgiving I’ll never forget.
So what does this story have to do with emotion, you ask? Simple. It’s the culinary equivalent of unmanaged anger.
I actually start off most of my anger management groups at work with that exact story because it’s an excellent metaphor to illustrate how anger can turn into it’s evil cousin, rage. Just like the regulator on a pressure cooker, we humans need an emotional regulator if we’re to successfully keep anger in check. And just like the faulty regulator I spoke of before, if our emotional regulator is defective in some way, explosions can happen… and people can get shot in the neck.
Anger is one of the emotions we normally apply a negative connotation to, even though it really is neither negative or positive. It’s actually quite normal to feel anger and all part of the emotional roller coaster. It’s unavoidable. Even the most passive of specimens can and will eventually become angry over something.
The problem arises when we fail to keep our anger under control and it explodes into the world to wreak havoc on other things and other people.
Is anger a problem for you? Well… to find out you’ll have to do a little self exploration. I know… I’m always asking you to look yourself over in the proverbial mirror. Don’t be shy. It’s good for you. How do you deal with anger? Do you keep it under control? Do you express it in an appropriate way? Does your anger get vented towards the right object? Is the amount of anger you feel proportionate to whatever it is that makes you mad? Do you kick the dog when you leave the room even though he had nothing to do with your feelings (and even though it’s just plain mean to kick a dog for any reason)?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions (or “yes” to kicking the dog) it’s possible that you’ve got anger management issues. Don’t worry. Join the club. You’re not alone. And hope is not lost. Dealing with anger and rage is actually quite simple… if you apply yourself. It’s a simple four step process: 1) Own your emotion, 2) Understand your emotion, 3) Express yourself constructively, and 4) Relax.
Owning an emotion and understanding it really go hand in hand. For us to own our emotions we must understand where they come from. First and foremost, we must acknowledge that the emotions we feel are completely ours. Nothing can make us feel something. Another person can’t make you feel anything. If you have an emotional response of any kind it is because of the way you “process” whatever has just happened to you. If someone pisses you off, it is not the person themselves or the thing they’ve done that makes you feel that way. It’s the approach you take to responding to them that makes you pissed. That’s owning your emotion.
To fully understand why an event makes us feeling something we have to explore the way we dealt with it.
If you get angry, ask yourself why. Why did those specific circumstances lead to anger? Did you feel betrayed? Lied to? Embarrassed? Cheated? What? And why do those things bother us? There really isn’t a cut and dry answer. Anger, like every other emotion, is very personal. But if you really explore your reactions you can probably get at least a rough idea of the real reason you’ve become angry.
Once you’ve taken ownership of your emotion and you’ve started to understand it’s cause, the easy part is over. Now we have to find a constructive and appropriate way to express that emotion. Why do we even have to express anger? Because if we don’t, the regulator will end up blowing off the pot in the future. I’ve said it before… I’ll say it again: emotions are like matter… they aren’t really destroyed… they only change form. We have to let anger out in short, controlled bursts or it will find a way to explode at some point.
To begin with, anger needs to be expressed towards the actual object of the feeling. This is where understanding the emotion comes into play. Don’t kick the dog because you got into a fight with your spouse. For one, the dog didn’t do anything to you. But more importantly, the anger will still exist for your spouse. You didn’t express it. You just transferred it to something else. The next time you see your spouse you’ll still be thinking about all of the angry feelings that you have yet to express towards him or her. More pressure under the regulator. Now before someone asks, no… I’m not saying you should kick your spouse.
But your response does need to be directed toward whatever made you angry so that you get the emotional satisfaction of getting your feelings out.
So if you’re not going to kick your spouse, what are you going to do? Talk to them. Let your feelings be known. Let the reasons for your feelings be known. And let your emotional ownership be known. “I know that my anger is my issue, but here’s why I’m reacting the way I am…” And yes… people really do talk like that. People with functioning regulators, that is. Depending on the situation in question, talking may not be the first approach to consider. Whatever your constructive action is, make sure that it 1) doesn’t make the situation worse and 2) actually is constructive, as opposed to destructive. Does your reaction help the situation? Honestly? I’m not asking if it makes you feel better. I’m asking if it helps. If it doesn’t, it’s not constructive. Kicking the snot out of someone might make some people feel better. But it really doesn’t help. The consequences of kicking the snot out of someone far outweigh the consequences of walking away. The consequences of verbally abusing someone far outweigh the consequences of a civil, rational conversation.
Expression isn’t always enough to completely alleviate the pressure inside the cooker. Sometimes we have to take an extra step and do something to help ourselves shake off the last dredges of emotional steam. Relaxation is almost as personal an experience as emotions are. Some things work for one person but not for another. Only you know what works for you. The University of Maryland Medical Center has an excellent page devoted to relaxation techniques. Try some of them. Or go for a walk. Or listen to music. Take a nap. Whatever gets the job done. If you’ve expressed your anger appropriately, constructivly, and in the right direction the majority of your anger should be gone anyway. Relaxation helps push the last bits of energy out of the emotional regulator. We don’t want much, if any, left.
If dealt with in the right way, anger can actually be a great motivator for change.
If you’re stuck in a situation that continues to make you angry, expressing yourself can make the situation better. At the very least, you’ll be able to remove yourself from whatever circumstances are plaguing you knowing that your best effort was put into resolving it. But if we don’t deal with it… if we let it steep and build… anger can become a great motivator for destruction. Think of the long-term consequences. What’s worse… dealing with anger as it occurs and appropriately…
… or walking around with a huge bruise on your neck?
Part 5 of The Emotional Roller Coaster: Taking the Track Apart. Please visit the Series page for a complete index of all related posts.
Posted in Emotions, Human Nature, Noteworthy, Series
March 28th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Another great informative post, Derick. Just the right time to read this post. I got mad today. Really mad. Too many roadblocks. After an hour drive home from work, it all disappeared. Hey, who said commuting is bad? City drivers maybe, but freeways and country roads are great for relaxation.
Yeah, so we don’t have to worry too much about those noisy ones, huh? It’s the quiet ones we should be aware of. Hehe.
March 29th, 2007 at 6:47 am
I love long drives (open drives… I don’t like being stuck in traffic). I like to put the windows down, put on some tunes, and sing my guts out. It’s a great way to de-stress!