Should You Be Ashamed of Yourself?
December 5, 2006
I was browsing around the wide world of blogging today (while doing research for work) and I stumbled across a blog that struck me as odd. I shouldn’t say “stumbled”. There was a trackback showing in my work WordPress indicating that the blog in question had linked to something I’d written at work, so my visit was not as much a stumble as it was quite intentional. But when I followed the trackback link, there wasn’t anything there.
On another blog I found an identical trackback from the same ghost blog. Again… nothing. So I did a little backward URL browsing and arrived at the front page of the blog in question. There were no posts… only these words at the top of the page:
Hello everyone sorry for this stupid blog. I was testing out a new plugin and it turned out to be a lame rip off content-stealer. Sorry again. The thing went awol on me and I didn’t know how to stop it for a bit there, so I just removed it all, and shut down this worthless site. Thanks for understanding.
Apparently there’d been a little mix-up, a plugin went haywire, and started ripping content from other blogs. Hey… it happens in the wide world of blogging. I once installed a plugin that did absolutely nothing… until I tried to delete it. As soon as it was deleted from my server, my blog stopped loading and, instead, reported a bunch of database errors. Needless to say… that plugin is back on my server, albeit turned off. If you’re one of my six or so regular visitors you’ve seen the damage I’ve done in the past. I break my blog on a fairly regular basis. So the fact that this person had a wonky plugin isn’t really that big of a deal.
But it’s not the actual events of what happened that caught my interest. It was the extremely harsh wording of the message above. It was a simple mistake that anyone could make… and apparently this person was beating himself or herself up over it. And pretty well, too: “stupid blog”… “worthless site”… and two instances of the word “sorry” in such a short message.
Are mistakes no longer allowed? Have we all become such perfectionists that even little things, like a possessed WordPress plugin, are cause for grave concern, shame, and embarrassment? Which ultimately leads me to ask: what sorts of things should embarrass us and which shouldn’t?
When I was in ninth grade I was in a play at school. I know… image that! We had to perform the play seven times to make sure every student, teacher, and faculty member had the chance to see it. The play took place in the 60s, so I had to have some authentic clothes for a costume. I went to Goodwill and found a really cool three-piece corduroy leisure suit. Cousin Eddie would have been proud. The suit was an original, old piece of clothing. During the fourth performance of the play, the almost 40 year old thread in the suit gave out… and the crack of my butt tore open right on stage. A couple hundred students and a dozen or so teachers and faculty members saw my rockin’ black boxers. After backing off the stage gracefully I ran upstairs to the home economics class and was lucky enough to have the seam re-sewn on a sewing machine before my next act.
My seam-splitting performance was, naturally, the highlight of the play. For years afterwards people would remind me about. The entire auditorium broke out into laughter when it happened. My fellow thespians on the stage couldn’t contain themselves either. Nor could I. I think I laughed harder than anyone. And you know what… I wasn’t embarrassed. Not in the slightest little bit. Maybe I should have been… but that’s just me. I don’t embarrass easily.
The reason I don’t embarrass has to do with the way I think about the stupid things I do. When my crack was showing on stage, I thought to myself (between wales of laughter)…. “ya know what… I bet most of the people in here have had their pants rip at some point”. And it was true. I bet yours have ripped before. Haven’t they? So if they ripped again, and you knew everyone who saw had done the exact same thing, why would you be embarrassed?
I broke my new boss’ chair yesterday. I put my big knee down on it and broke it. He tried to make me feel guilty about it (jokingly, I assume). But I didn’t feel bad. And I wasn’t embarrassed. The chair was jacked up anyway and the next person who used it, regardless of who it would have been, was destined to be the one to break it.
Now when I thought my old supervisor was propositioning me for sex (which she wasn’t), I was embarrassed. When I walked in on a patient completely naked in her bathroom at the hospital, I was embarrassed. Those things are different, though. Most people would have handled those situations differently. Most people probably wouldn’t have thought their boss was asking them out for drinks and sex. In fact, no one else in the room heard that. Just me. And if they did think they’d heard that, most folks would probably clarify what was said before responding. Not me. Most people would probably have knocked on the door before entering a patient’s bathroom. Not me.
It’s the things I do that I either 1) know better than to do or 2) end up doing while trying to show off or intentionally acting like an idiot that I feel embarrassed about. It’s not the simple mistakes, the “whoopsies” we all experience (like tripping or slipping or farting while laughing), or the accidents that I feel embarrassed about.
Embarrassment is an emotion that most of us would rather avoid. It’s not great for the ol’ self-esteem and it certainly has caused a great many to get angry. I’m not sure about you, but I usually try to skip embarrassment and go straight to laughing at myself. In my opinion, that’s the best way to handle a situation that would normally make a person feel embarrassed: just laugh at yourself. Seriously. If you can’t laugh at yourself for doing silly things you have no right to laugh at other people for doing them… which is something I know most people do.
So the next time you feel the red, shameful flood of embarrassment washing over you, ask yourself if it’s really worth getting embarrassed about. Remind yourself that most, if not all, the people around you have done the same thing. Ask yourself if it was preventable, because, hey… accidents and mistakes happen to all of us. And if it was preventable, ask yourself if you should have known better.
But like I said before… if you’re showing off or intentionally acting like a fool and something embarrassing happens… go ahead and experience that instance of shame. Because, chances are, you earned that one.
I know I have… time and time again…
Part 6 of The Emotional Roller Coaster: Taking the Track Apart. Please visit the Series page for a complete index of all related posts.
Posted in Emotions, Human Nature, Noteworthy, Series
December 6th, 2006 at 12:33 pm
“If you can’t laugh at yourself for doing silly things you have no right to laugh at other people for doing them… which is something I know most people do.”
I agree.
December 6th, 2006 at 6:11 pm
I thought you might ;)
December 7th, 2006 at 10:02 am
That was a great post. I’m totally subscribing to your blog. For me the thing I keep in mind most of the time is that everyone has probably done the same thing before, like ripping their pants. I once ripped my pants while on a date with a really cute girl. We went bowling and while I was in the middle of throwing the ball, I bent over and riiiiiiip.
December 7th, 2006 at 6:01 pm
Thanks for the kind words, Ben :)
I think you’ve got the right idea, too. So few of the “embarrassing” things we do are actually worthy of the emotion. Everyone’s probably ripped their pants, or stumbled, or had a Freudian slip, or, or, or. I know if I got embarrassed every time I did something like that I’d probably be red-faced more often than not.
And on an interesting side note… isn’t it funny how pants never seem to rip at home or when you’re alone? It’s almost always in a public setting or when you’re with someone else. I’ve done it twice: once in the play and once at work. I bet I couldn’t do it at home if I tried.
Hmm… maybe I should put that to the test… haha.
December 8th, 2006 at 7:28 am
My editor once pointed out a huge rip in my pants that I was unaware of. After commenting on my bright blue underoos, he and I shared a huge laugh in his office (with my back to the wall, of course). I lived about 30 miles away, so he told me to go ahead and just go home for the day. That walk through the newsroom and to the front door was one of the longest of my life. He and I still laugh about it.
December 8th, 2006 at 7:49 am
I think I remember reading about that in the paper:
Local Journalist Blows Out Pants; Walk of Shame Quite Blue
Something like that…
December 16th, 2006 at 10:57 am
definely, you should…only loser doing things like that, and you are the loser!
December 16th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
I should what?
June 14th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
[...] Remind yourself that it’s just other people that you’re talking to. What’s the worst thing that could happen? You stumble on a word? You forget what you’re going to say? Your pants fall off or rip? You give a presentation and realize your fly was down? Guess what - you’re not the first person to do those things… nor will you be the last. A big part of overcoming a fear of public speaking is dealing with the fear of shame or embarrassment. [...]