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A conversation I had with a co-worker today got me thinking about honesty.  As it turns out, she too has been accused of being rude when, in her mind, she was just being honest.  I’m quite familiar with the situation myself.

I spent a little time thinking about honesty and the possible reasons someone else might mistake honesty for rudeness.  And I decided that honesty, like so many other aspects of the human condition, operates on a continuum:

Tactful ——— Blunt ——— Rude

Tactful

Tactful honesty is well thought-out.  It’s the kind of response we give someone when we’ve had a little time to think about exactly how we’re going to say what comes out.  It’s the kind of honesty that we express with the feelings and emotions of the other person in mind.  But it’s sometimes sugary and expressed from behind rose-colored glasses.  If we’re not careful, it can turn out less honest than it probably should be.

Blunt

Blunt honesty isn’t as well thought-out as tactful honesty.  Blunt honesty is the product of instant thinking and quickly flapping gums.  It’s sharp, it’s sometimes biting, and it leaves no room for interpretation.  The other person’s feelings aren’t usually taken into account.  And while it’s still technically “honest”, it could usually be worded a little better.  Without intention, it’s sometimes hurtful.

Apparently, this is the kind of honesty I’m guilty of on more than one occasion.

Rude

Rude honesty, like tactful honesty, is well thought-out.  It’s the kind of response we give when we’ve had time to think about exactly how we’re going to say what comes out… and when we want it to biting and hurtful.  This is the kind of response you give someone when you’re irritated, frustrated, or simply don’t like them.  We want the rude truth to hurt.

No one operates under just one of these classifications.  Even the most blunt, direct person in the world has offered a carefully thought-out dose of honesty on occasion.  And the most caring, thoughtful one among us has probably said something that was intentionally rude.

For me, the challenge must be moving my position along the continue closer to the tactful end of the spectrum.  I’ll never shy away from offering my honest, non-sugar-coated opinion on things.  Because I don’t think sugar coatings help anyone.  In fact, beating around the bush often causes more harm than good.

Sometimes people just need to hear what they don’t want to hear.  In one of my favorite posts from the past, Sometimes the Truth Sucks, I said this:

It may be the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. It may be the last thing I ever thought I’d see. My eyes can play tricks on me. They can make me see things that aren’t there. But they can also show me things I don’t necessarily want to see. That doesn’t mean I can ignore them.

I just have to find the balls to ignore what I want to see… and see what I need to. And then I have to deal with that.

Keeping that in mind, I’m going to continue with my honest approach to offering my opinion.  But I’m going to start thinking about what I say and the impact it might have on another person.  I think honesty is one of man’s greatest virtues.  But there’s no need for people to get hurt in it’s pursuit.

Because, like the truth… being hurt sucks, too.