Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener
May 8, 2007
I’ve been writing on Reader Meet Author for nearly three years now and I have yet to branch out much and really “join” the blogosphere. When I came across ProBlogger’s Group Writing Project I originally thought “hmm… interesting”… and then moved on. But the more I got to thinking about it the more I thought it might be an excellent way to start feeling the world beyond RMA out a bit.
The topic of the project is “Top 5″. Yep… that’s it. I had to come up with some sort of top 5 list. I racked my brain trying to figure out what I could write about that 1) fit in with the loosely woven theme around here and 2) would be interesting enough to capture the attention of ProBlogger’s significant membership. What could I say? Would they read what I said? And if so, would they listen?
That’s when it hit me: Listening! So few people really know how to listen. Sure… sounds get trapped in the flaps of your ears and travel into the inner workings of your head. You might technically hear and register those trapped sounds. But are you actually listening?
Maybe you’re not the bad listener. Maybe your spouse, friends, or co-workers are. Maybe you’ve always wondered if talking to your boss was a waste of time. Perhaps you’re trying to decide if your husband or wife is suffering from Alzheimer’s… or simply isn’t listening to you. There’s only one way to find out. Put on your honesty hat, grab a thinking chair, and press on…
The Top 5 Ways to Identify a Bad Listener
1) “Right, right” / “Yeah, yeah”
You know these people, right? After every little thing that comes out of your mouth they either drop a “right, right” or a “yeah, yeah”. Folks who pull out the “right” or “yeah” retort are usually doing one of two things. They’re either busy formulating a response in their head - and thus not really listening to what you’re saying - or they’re just trying to rush the conversation along. The speed of the “right, right” or “yeah, yeah” can also tell you a lot. If it’s a slow and steady “right, right” it means they’re still working out the details of that retort. If they say it faster it usually indicates that they’re ready to respond (even if you’re not done with your turn) or they’re ready to leave. Either way… once you start getting “right, right” or “yeah, yeah”… you know the listening part of the conversation is done.
2) Huh-ers
Some blame their inability to hear anything you say on bad ears. Some even try to turn the problem around on you by calling you a mumbler or a quiet talker. But the fact of the matter is simple: if they were really listening to what you were saying, they’d move closer, turn up the volume, or otherwise make sure that your voice was heard. Think about it. When you’ve got something really important to say, one of the most annoying things in the world is to have to repeat yourself. Well the same thing is true when you’ve got something you really want to hear. You don’t want to have to keep asking for a repeat. You want to hear it the first time. If folks are “huh”-ing you a lot… they don’t really care. Or they need a hearing aid. Either way… there’s a problem.
3) Multi-tasking
Human contact and interaction is arguably the most important aspect of our development as a society. We need that interaction to learn more about ourselves, the people around us, and the world at large. And since we can never really be sure that we’ll have another moment in which to interact with those people who are important to us, we should cherish each and every opportunity to listen to what they have to say. So when you’re trying to talk to someone - and they’re “listening” while doing other things - you can bet your bottom that they’re not really hearing a thing you say. They might say “keep talking… I’m listening” or “I’m just gonna clean the dirt out of my shoes while you talk… but I promise I’m listening”. If their other task is so important that they can’t take a few moments to stop and listen you can assume that it’s their top priority… not whatever it is you’re trying to talk to them about.
4) Obvious Disinterest
This one may be “obvious”… but a lot of folks don’t pick up on it when they see it. Because each of us is different, the way we show disinterest also varies. Maybe the person you’re talking to is picking their teeth. Maybe they’re fluctuating between looking at you and looking at cars drive by. They might not even be looking at you at all. Perhaps they’re fidgeting or cracking their knuckles or trying to get the aforementioned multi-task started. If you know the person you’re talking to well you normally know what their disinterested behaviors are. Watch them when they’re bored. If they act bored when you’re talking to them… they’re not listening. Even if what you’re talking about isn’t something they’re actively interested in, they should be able to listen without becoming obviously bored. Because when you’re really listening to someone… you’re actively doing something… and you can’t really be bored when you’re doing something.
5) Rehashing
Do you ever feel like you have the same conversation with the same person over and over and over and over again? Maybe you argue with the same person about the same thing repeatedly. Or maybe you’ve thought to yourself “wow… this is like talking to a brick wall”. The brick wall analogy is great because there’s a lot of truth to it. If you throw something at a brick wall, it will most likely bounce right off. If you say something to a brick-wall-type person, the same thing happens… it bounces off. But if you say something to… oh… I dunno… a drywall-type-person, it eventually sticks - just like the object you’d throw at an actual drywall. Even if they don’t agree with what you’re saying, another person’s argument, response, or retort should change if they’re listening to what you’re saying. At the very least they should be able to acknowledge what you’ve said and base their response on that acknowledgment. If they’re not - if you’re rehashing the same thing over and over again - your words are bouncing off of them like a Chinese Ninja star to a brick wall.
So what can you do with a bad listener? Sometimes bringing their poor listening skills to their attention is enough. But sometimes it isn’t. Some bad listeners will always be bad listeners and no amount of poking or prodding on our part will change that. My advice is to find someone else to talk to about the important stuff. All of us need at least one good listener in our lives.
If you’ve identified your primary listener as a bad one… it’s probably time to seek out a new one. I’m not a fan of wasting my time (and I’m guessing you’re not either). So why waste time and breath on a bad listener?
‘Tis much better to invest your time and energy on people who deserve it.
Don’t miss the follow up to this post: 5 Ways to Become a Better Listener
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May 9th, 2007 at 1:08 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 9th, 2007 at 2:30 am
You’ve made me think. I find that when I uhhuh and yeah yeah it does mean I’m ready to reply. And I’ve just realized that it annoys me on a subconscious level when my friends do that to me.
I’ve never really noticed it, until now.
What I find most difficult about listening would be to just … listen. No interruptions, no opinions - unless the other person wants it. Just listening alone is very hard for me, and is something I have to work on.
Perhaps tape over my mouth would help. =)
May 9th, 2007 at 5:07 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 9th, 2007 at 5:13 am
This post is worth the read!
It is funny to know that many people are poor listeners. (I may be one of them). But of course this also depends on whether they have the interest to listen to what your saying.
Thanks for your post.
If you have time, why don’t you drop by my post:
http://mobileko.blogspot.com/2007/05/snatch-top-5-tips-on-how-to-be.html
It’s also an entry for the problogger top 5- group writing project. ^^ Goodluck to us all!
May 9th, 2007 at 5:29 am
I have personally experienced all of your top 5 poor listeners. I know for the writing project you could only list 5, but how about the “gazer”. This is the poor listener that seems to be in a coma-like state, just staring forward at you without movement. I have a gazer at my work and worry sometimes if he is still alive, but I see the chest still moving up and down. LOL. Good luck
Turtle King
http://turtlesatwork.blogspot.com
http://turtlesatwork.blogspot.com/2007/05/stupid-is-as-stupid-does.html
May 9th, 2007 at 5:59 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 9th, 2007 at 6:22 am
I’m a professional storyteller, so I get pretty disgusted with bad listeners (and some of my storytelling friends are the worst!). Everyone is waiting for their chance to talk. Now, write a post with 5 ways to get people to actively listen lol! Well written post. Thanks. I’m glad I dropped by to see you
May 9th, 2007 at 6:23 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 9th, 2007 at 7:33 am
@ Eli: I think it’s easy to overlook the fact that we personally do a lot of the very same things that annoy us in other people… haha. I know I’ve been guilty of that on more than a few occasions. And you’re also quite right about the difficulty of “just listening”. It’s so hard to resist the urge to comment or make suggestions or even turn the conversation back around to focus on us (which is actually another sign of a bad listener… haha). Tape might work. It’d be painful, though… ya know… when it was coming off. Haha! But you’re halfway there simply by recognizing what you need to work on. And for what it’s worth, masking tape works best for closing the mouth. It’s less sticky and has less of a likelihood of ripping your lips off when it’s finally time to speak :P
@ Karlo: You’re absolutely right… interest is a big part of listening. Some people can muster a little genuine interest just for the sake of listening. Others can’t. I guess I’d rather someone tell me they weren’t interested in what I had to say instead of fake listening to me. At least I’d know I needed a new, better listener.
@ Turtle: Haha… the gazer. You know what irks me about the gazer?? When you’ve been talking (and they’ve been gazing)… and when you’re halfway done with whatever it is you’re saying, they snap to attention and go “Huh? Did you say something?” I guess I need to learn to either bypass the gazers or snap them out of it before I start talking! haha.
@ This Eclectic Life: I’m sure you probably have finely tuned bad-listener-picker-outer skills! I think you’re spot on about folks wanting to take a turn speaking. We’re all so opinionated and have so much to say that it makes it a real problem for some people to stop… but their responses a side for a moment… and just listen. But that’s also a great idea about a follow-up post on active listening! I just might have to do that! I’m glad you stopped by to see me, too. I love new perspectives!
Thanks to everyone for stopping by! I had no idea when I did this that I’d get such great feedback (that’s what I get for living under a blogging rock for the past couple of years). I don’t know about you, but I’m loving the posts that this writing project is generating. I can’t wait to get home from work so I can read through all 200-some of today’s submissions!
Good luck to all of you, thanks for stopping by, and thanks most of all for sharing your opinions with me.
May 9th, 2007 at 8:31 am
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May 9th, 2007 at 9:51 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 9th, 2007 at 11:49 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 9th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
A mighty fine list. Listening takes a lot more work than talking, that’s for sure. I like the Morrissey quote!
May 9th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
Some good points to consider. As someone who spent 25 years in sales and marketing, I can tell you that the best listeners are usually the top salespeople. I attended a 2 day sales training course that only covered 1 topic–”Listening”
May 9th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
@brad: Haha… no kidding. Talking is the easy part :P I think most of us have that down pat!
@thesavvyboomer: Listening is definitely a skill required by good salespeople. It’s frustrating when salesfolk don’t listen and you feel like they’re not getting what you want. And if they don’t get what you want, you’re less likely to buy from them.
May 10th, 2007 at 7:28 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 10th, 2007 at 8:01 am
Very interesting. One other “type” is what I call the monologist. This person is solely interested in telling you something, and rarely listens to what you say to them. When they are done with their “monologue” the conversation is over.
May 10th, 2007 at 9:21 am
[…] . Reader Meet Author. Now I know this isn’t strictly a litblog, but Derick’s post on Identifying Bad Listeners was undeniably true. And a little uncomfortable - I could think of several instances where […]
May 10th, 2007 at 11:44 am
very nice read ! added you in my writeup. keep up the good work.
May 10th, 2007 at 11:45 am
[…] to pick up on people who do not care about you and what you are saying and find out if they are bad listeners and tell them. So now you cleaned up your life, are fit and everyone respects you, but you do not […]
May 10th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 10th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
@Harry - You know… that type of bad listener never even dawned on me. But you’re absolutely right. I just wrote those people off as “Look at Me” types. I know exactly what you’re talking about, though. They’ll chat you up for as long as their story goes… and then say “well… I’ve gotta run” before you can even respond.
@sven - Thanks for the mention in your write up! And I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
May 11th, 2007 at 2:09 am
[…] was recently jolted at Derick’s blog, Reader Meet Author. I had left a comment in one of his posts, and in the space of a few short hours I received this email: Dear Eli […]
May 11th, 2007 at 4:49 am
This was enjoyable, thank you for posting it.
Sometimes, though, we must ask ourselves: is it that the other person is a bad listener… or am I just bad at telling stories?
May 11th, 2007 at 6:36 am
Dina - I’m glad you enjoyed it :) You’ve got a valid point there. If you’re telling stories it’s important to keep the listener(s) engaged and interested.
But I guess I was coming more from the perspective of talking to someone in a different regard… like when there’s something on your mind or you’re trying to work something out. I guess I should have been more clear about that in the post. Haha.
But again, you’ve got a good point. It does take two to converse and both sides need to be able to carry their part of the deal, regardless of the type of the conversation that’s going on.
May 11th, 2007 at 7:46 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 11th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 11th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 11th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
[…] just picked some random posts whose title sounded interesting and found these: Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener Five ways Shiatsu has changed my life Five Hard Truths of Freelance Writing 5 Top Ways to Use a VA […]
May 12th, 2007 at 12:28 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 12th, 2007 at 1:33 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 12th, 2007 at 4:52 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 12th, 2007 at 5:50 am
One of my close friends at work is definitely a bad listener. I would put her in the first category, because although she doesn’t yeah yeah me, she only hears about half of what I say. I’ve decided that she is already formulating her response to one of my statements instead of listening to the whole thing.
May 12th, 2007 at 6:22 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 12th, 2007 at 8:40 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 12th, 2007 at 8:45 am
laanba: Doesn’t that irk you? Half the time you’ve even addressed the thing they want to comment on or respond to… but they’re so busy coming up with something to say that they miss it.
May 12th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 12th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 12th, 2007 at 10:42 pm
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 13th, 2007 at 12:14 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 13th, 2007 at 8:24 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 13th, 2007 at 9:25 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 13th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Wow! A lot of responses for this post.
Well, I can honestly say that I’m guilty of all 5 points. Can’t help it. I’m just not interested in listening to half of the conversations that get directed at me. I guess I should learn to at least seem interested and pay attention.
Yes, it is a good suggestion for you to now write up a post on how to be a good listener. Waiting to read it.:)
May 13th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 13th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
If it were me (which I know it’s not), I wouldn’t fake interest. I’d simply tell them that I wasn’t really in the frame of mind to be the best listener.
If they still talk to you after that… you might be more justified in zoning them out. At least you warned them first! Haha.
May 14th, 2007 at 5:37 am
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May 14th, 2007 at 7:59 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 14th, 2007 at 11:49 am
[…] Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener by Derick […]
May 14th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
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May 16th, 2007 at 2:39 am
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May 20th, 2007 at 12:34 am
[…] one request that I received a number of times was for a follow-up post. The original, “Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener“, was all about recognizing the traits of someone with bad listening skills. But it […]
June 10th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
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August 5th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
[…] joining forums related to your blog’s topic. I’ve been trying to come up with ways to expose myself a little more (blog-wise, folks… get your minds out of the gutter) and that seemed like a […]
August 11th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
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August 18th, 2007 at 4:16 am
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November 5th, 2007 at 6:22 am
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