5 Ways to Become a Better Listener

May 20, 2007

The response to my post for the ProBlogger Group Writing Project was crazy… in an awesome way. I’ve never had a post get that much attention. And I’ve never had such an influx of new readers, either. I was crazy for not having done something like that before. The dialog alone was well worth it.

And one request that I received a number of times was for a follow-up post. The original, “Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener“, was all about recognizing the traits of someone with bad listening skills. But it didn’t address how to deal with those traits if you discover them in yourself (or if you want to help someone else who’s a bad listener).

So, by request, here are 5 Ways to Become a Better Listener:

1) Your Attention Should Be Undivided

What does that even mean? Undivided attention? We hear that phrase a lot. But have you ever stopped to really think about what it means? Taken quite literally it means that your attention should be unified - not divided between different tasks. A lot of people think this means you shouldn’t be doing anything else. But it goes much further than that.

You shouldn’t be physically doing other things. But you also shouldn’t be doing other things in your head. You shouldn’t be formulating the next thing to say. You shouldn’t be thinking about what you’re going to eat when you get home. You shouldn’t be thinking about a report that’s due at 5 or about the fight you had with your significant other.

You should be doing one thing: listening. And I don’t mean simply hearing the words that entering your ear canal. I’m talking about absorbing what’s being said. The only thing that should be going through your head is what’s being said to you.

Yes… that requires you to think. But when you’re thinking about what’s being said, it means you’re naturally absorbing the information. Think about it. When you’re working on something else, and your attention is focused on it, you notice everything. And while you’re still actively processing the information being absorbed, you’re also actively seeking out the next bit of information to help bring the entire picture together.

When you actively listen you’re actively seeking out the next bit of information from the other person so that you can begin to process what’s being said. From that information you can decide what, if anything, to do with/about that information.

2) Acknowledge What’s Being Said

“Right, right” and “yeah, yeah” aren’t acknowledgments. They’re accelerators. When someone says “right, right” to me I have the urge to stop talking. Why? Because it usually means they haven’t heard a word I’ve said. If they had heard… they’d have something more substantial to say.

One of the best ways to not only acknowledge that you’re listening, but also to make sure you’re understanding what’s being said, is to ask special types of clarification questions. There’s nothing wrong with asking for more information. And a good listener will ask for more information (unless you’re just an excellent storyteller).

For example, if someone is telling you about their sister, you could say something like “Now this is the sister that lives in Seattle, right”… or “You’re talking about your older sister, correct”. And if there’s something you don’t understand about what’s being said, by all means ask for clarification.

Not only does it show that you’re listening, but it also assures the person talking that you care about what they’re saying.

3) Limit Your Input Until It’s Your Turn

Most people don’t want you to sit there mute while they’re talking. In fact, a lot of people will actively prompt you to respond while they’re talking to you. You should, of course, respond to those prompts.

But you should limit your input until the person talking is done. If they say “Do you know what I mean”, your response should 1) acknowledge that you understand and 2) set them up to continue. Using the example from above, your response would be something along the lines of “Yes… you’re talking about your sister that lives in Seattle. I’m curious to know why she [insert whatever the subject of the conversation is]”.

When the person talking is done (or at least done until you continue the conversation) - and only then - should you take over the conversation.

4) Avoid Bringing the Focus Back to You

How many times has someone told you something that reminded you of yourself… or something that happened to you… or someone you know? It happens all of the time. You may even have experienced something similar to what the other person is talking about.

But then… this isn’t about you, is it?

It’s perfectly acceptable (and quite helpful) to use your own experiences to empathize with what’s being said. But your empathy is a tool for you to use… not an opportunity for you to become the center of the conversation. Use that empathy to better understand what the person talking is dealing with or expressing.

But keep it to yourself until 1) it’s your turn to talk or 2) you’re prompted by the other person for an opinion, suggestion, etc. I know it’s hard. But you can do it… I have faith.

5) Be Honest If You Can’t Really Provide Your Ear

Let’s face it: sometimes it’s just not possible to be a good listener. Maybe you’ve got too much on your mind. Maybe you’ve got that report due at 5. Maybe you’re trying to get home. Or maybe you’re just not interested (hey… I’m a realist, remember). Whatever the reason, there are times when it’s impossible for us to be a good listener… not matter how skilled at listening we usually are.

If you’re not in a position to give someone your undivided attention, be honest about it and tell them. I fully believe that it’s better to tell someone you can’t give them what they want than it is say you will… and then not deliver. Would you rather someone tell you they can’t do something… or say they can and then disappoint you with crappy results?

Sometimes this boils down to prioritization. What’s more important: stuffing that burrito down your throat or giving your friend some time? Is it more important to get your report done early so you can go home and watch television… or helping a co-worker who needs someone to talk to? Only you know the answer to this and a lot of it depends on the situation and/or the person involved.

I once cut my vacation short to drive 13 hours back home when a friend of mine called me crying and needing someone to talk to. Sure… I could have talked to him on the phone. But he wasn’t a crier… so I knew things were pretty bad when he called me in tears. I’m not suggesting you drop what you’re doing to come to the aide of someone who needs an ear. But use your best judgment. Some situations require more than others.

Nothing in life is more important than the people we care about. Nothing. And one of the quickest and easiest ways to drive those people away is shoddy listening. It says you don’t care. It says that the other things in your life are more important than those people. And while you may honestly think that those “other things” are more important (and maybe they really are)… you can’t take hurt back. You can miss a meal. You can stay at work a little later to make up time spent being a good listener.

But people are not replaceable. And neither is the time we all waste talking to bad listeners.

Posted in Advice, Human Nature

Related Posts

• Top 5 Ways To Identify a Bad Listener
• The Mental Health Blogosphere is Depressing
• Someone To Talk To
• Even More Online Advertising
• Take Note: The Effect of Music on Our Lives

Never miss another post! Subscribe to my RSS feed!