Is It Time to End Your Relationship?
May 31, 2007
I used to think that the people I knew were suckers for love. I used to think there was no possible way they could fall for other people as fast as they did. I used to think they were co-dependent or desperate or a little of both.
But apparently I’m the weird one.
Between the books I’ve been reading and a conversation I had tonight with a friend, I’ve come to the realization that people like being coupled up. That desire to be with someone leads them to become emotionally attached at a very rapid pace.
So that’s settled. Folks like relationships.
But what about ending them? That’s not as easy. While there may be a million people out there lined up and ready to begin a relationship, there are scant few willing to end them. They may even know it’s time to call it quits. They may know it’s time to end that chapter of their lives.
But they just don’t want to.
I’ll be honest here. I don’t blame them. While I’ve never been a huge fan of relationships, I’ve slowly come to the realization of just how important that connection with another person can be. I realize that, even though I don’t understand the how of attachment, I do understand the why.
So how do you know when it’s time? How do you decide to toss out the time and effort and energy that’s built your relationship to where it is today?
There’s really no easy answer. And there’s nothing that I or anyone can tell you that will give you that answer. You have to decide when it’s time. Only you know when the towel is read to be thrown.
There is, however, a tell-tale sign.
Even though you may argue with me… even though you may never admit it to anyone else… you know deep down inside what a relationship really is: a mutual exchange of something. Now before you close the window and write me off, let me explain.
There are a million and one reasons that we attach ourselves to other people. Be it your friends, lovers, or even your family. There’s a reason we choose to bond and connect with other people. You may not be able to put your finger on a simple, tangible reason. It may simply be that you enjoy having someone around. But there’s a reason.
The same is true for the people in your life. They’re in your life for a reason. You offer them something. A good ear, perhaps? Generosity? A roll in the sack? Something. That, my friends, is the basis for every relationship of every kind that we have. It’s a mutual taking and giving of something.
It’s mutual exchange.
It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I can exploit you for your kindness. I can exploit you for your willingness to go along with my crazy ideas. And in return, you can exploit me for my dedicated ear. You can exploit me for my momentary bouts of selflessness. You can exploit me for my unwavering support.
Yes… it’s selfish. Yes… you’re taking something from another person for your own gain. But you’re also giving something in return. You offer the person from whom you’re taking something in exchange for whatever it is you take from them.
So what does all of this have to do with ending a relationship? Simple: when the exchange is no longer beneficial to both parties… it should end.
The dynamic of a relationship can change without affecting the exchange. People can change without affecting the exchange. Change - in general - is not reason for a break up.
There can be bad parts of a relationship that don’t affect the exchange. In fact, I think a good, healthy relationship does have it’s bad parts. It’s part of the learning and growing experience. Without the bad we don’t learn to deal with other people. We don’t grow as individuals of we’re not challenged by others.
When the exchange between two people in a relationship changes from a two-way street to a one-way street, it’s time to end things. Unless some way exists to restore the give and take… the relationship will never be fulfilling to both parties again.
And if a relationship isn’t fulfilling… what’s the point?
Disagree? Have a different opinion? Think I’m way off base or right on the money? Let me know what you’re thinking with a quick comment. I respond to all legitimate comments.
Posted in Advice, Relationships
- Can Narcissism Really Save a Relationship?
- Jealousy Isn’t the Answer to Relationship Problems
- Dump & Move
- Someone To Talk To
- Forced Winds of Change
June 6th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
As with every different kind of relationship, the scale is never balanced. One side will always gain more and other will always give more. It may be very minimal, but the difference is there. In a parent and child relationship, the parent will most often be the giver. In a teacher and student relationship, the teacher will most often be the giver. In a friend-to-friend relationship, one friend will be the supporter most of the time. The same goes for the love relationship, whether it’s financially or morally. In every one of these cases, the stronger will give and the weaker will take. The scale may balance the other way as time goes by, for example the grown child might help support their elderly parent one day.
Would you prefer to be on the giver or the taker? Hard to answer, huh? Just like the question, would you rather (a) love your lover more than your lover loves you or (b) be loved by your lover more than you love your lover? Most people will answer with (b). I haven’t found my answer yet.
I guess the true test comes when you’re asked if you would (a) rather die before your lover or (b) have your lover die before you. A strong person will answer (b) because they would not want their lover to grief for them.
Ahhh…(sigh)…the choices we have to make.
June 6th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
I guess I haven’t found my answers yet either. Which, for the time being, isn’t a big deal… seeing as how I have no lover. Haha. But now you’ve got me curious and I’d like to know how most people would answer those questions!
June 15th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
So there is this couple in my apartment complex that i think should read this. everyday i am at the pool i get a show of them arguing on the balconey! its very classy of them and i no longer think that there exchange is beneficial for either of them.
On a more serious note: I was the one that was blind sided when my long term relationship ended. he had decided that it was no longer good for either of us to be in the relationship. the distance only seemed to create more tension and arguing! however as much as it hurt i was glad that he came forward and made the decision to exit the relationship. i dont know if i would have done it, at least not as soon as he did. i was “content” and didnt want to see where things were headed. so in the end someone has to step forward and say this has to end!
June 17th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
Well I guess that was something I should have mentioned in the post: just because it’s time to end a relationship doesn’t mean it will be easy. If you feel something for someone it doesn’t go away just because you didn’t make it as a couple. And after the dust is settled following a break-up, those feelings can actually intensify because we start to forget all the little things about that person that used to bug the crap out of us.
It sounds like in the end you’re both better off for having ended it. I’m a firm believer in the idea that we learn something about ourselves or the world from everyone we meet - the people we love… the people we hate… the people we don’t really feel one way or another about. So I’m sure you’re both better people for having been in a relationship… even if it didn’t work out.