Someone To Talk To
June 30, 2007
As social creatures, we humans inevitably talk to one another. We talk to our families, our friends, our co-workers, and complete strangers. Some of us talk more than others. Some people are relatively quiet. Others will talk your ear off at the drop of a hat.
The one constant from person to person is the importance of having someone to talk to. As I’ve said a number of times here at RMA, the benefit of expression and talking about things cannot be ignored. We all have things going on in our lives that we want to share with others. Furthermore… we all have things going in our lives that we need to share… with someone.
A conversation I recently had with a friend reminded me of just how important having someone to talk to is to our emotional and psychological well-being. And while I’ve mentioned it here before, I’ve never really gone in to depth on why I think that’s the case.
I met a guy working in the hospital that could serve as the poster boy for what happens when someone has no one to talk to. He was by most accounts your average Joe: married… a son… gainfully employed… living your typical middle-class American lifestyle.
But he had a lot on his mind. He didn’t feel like he could talk to his wife about those things. Husbands are supposed to be strong and unemotional. He didn’t feel like he could talk to his friends or his co-workers (who were all men). Boys don’t cry, remember? From his perspective, he was completely alone and devoid of anyone to talk to.
And because of the stress and emotional baggage of dealing with - but never expressing - all of these feelings, he came within seconds of taking his own life.
Luckily he didn’t. Reality kicked in at the last minute and literally saved his life and got him back on track. But it doesn’t for a lot of people. A lot of people simply end up stressed out, depressed, mentally and physically ravaged… or worse.
We all need at least one person that we can talk to… no holds barred.
We all need one person that we trust enough to share what’s on our mind with. We all need one good listener who won’t judge and who will, at the very least, empathize with us.
In a perfect world we’d have several of these people. But I realize that it’s much easier to talk about the necessity of such a person than it is to find one.
How do you “get” such a person in your life?
It’s a slow process. Not only do you have to grow and nurture a trusting relationship, but you also have to feel comfortable enough with this person to really invest yourself in a “no holds barred” capacity. Chances are, if you don’t already have such a person in your life, you’ve got someone who could step into the role.
Maybe it’s your spouse, significant other, or another person with whom you have an intimate relationship. But the problem with relying on your significant other for that role is that in many, many cases… that person (or the relationship) is one of the things you need to vent and talk about! Two-thirds of the patients I worked with at the hospital fit into one of two groups: the people dealing with religious issues… and the people dealing with relationship issues.
I’m not advocating withholding yourself from your lover. Far from it. The foundation for any good relationship - of any kind - is communication. But I’m trying to be realistic here… not idealistic. You know there are things you could never talk to your significant other about. Don’t try to tell me there aren’t. What I’m suggesting is that you find someone outside of your relationship that you can also talk to… for a balanced perspective. I’ll get to more on the outside perspective in a minute.
In a nutshell, you’re looking for someone you trust (and someone who trusts you), someone you can be yourself with, and someone who has demonstrated the ability to actually listen to you.
So what good does it do to have someone in your life that you can talk to about anything?
For starters, it gives you an outlet to vent. A lot of the time that’s all we really need: a sounding board… someone who’ll just listen… a person to just be there so we don’t feel alone. Maybe they don’t offer up any advice. Maybe they don’t jump in and try to help with whatever you’re going through. But they’re there. And, at least in a lot of situations, that can be enough to make dealing with a situation better.
You can also get an outside perspective on the situation from someone else. You’re always going to see things differently from other people… especially when it comes to your life. Sometimes feelings, people, or circumstances blind us to the truth. Sometimes we’re afraid of the truth… so we subconsciously (or consciously) block it out. A person on the outside will hopefully be able to offer us unbiased, unblinded perspectives.
But isn’t opening up like that to another person dangerous?
Sure… I suppose it could be. But not having a person in your life to talk to is much more dangerous. Remember “The Emotional Pressure Cooker“? That post was looking at anger. But the same principle applies to just about any emotion or feeling that goes unexpressed. Some turn into anger… some turn into stress… some just turn into depression and sadness.
So yes… if I’m going to be totally honest here… letting another person in can be dangerous. Trust can be violated, feelings can change, and any other number of reactions. But if you’re careful about who you choose to open up to and who you put your trust in, this danger is minimal.
In fact, if I’m going to be totally honest I have to admit that there is no real process or technique for finding people to talk to. I could write about it all day… and it wouldn’t make a difference. You’ll know when/if you’ve found someone with whom you can share your feelings.
The process is a technicality. The result, on the other hand, is what’s important. Like I said… we all need at least one person that we can let it all out to. Do whatever you have to do to find that person.
And then use them.
Posted in Advice, Emotions, Human Nature
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July 2nd, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Wow, what sparked up this little topic today? You’re right, we humans need to vent, even the super shy ones.
A couple of times I’ve managed, without trying too hard, to get people who I don’t even know too well talking about their personal problems. (Not that I even like hearing about their personal life too much, but I just don’t like seeing people getting bottled up and unhappy at work.) Usually these people will avoid a certain topic when they are in front of more than one person. When I find myself alone with this person, I will bring up the topic again and then with a few more nosy questions, I’m all ears after that. It’s amazing what people will divulge to you!
I notice that a lot of husbands feel more comfortable talking to other women about problems they are having with their wives and same goes with the wives talking to other men about problems they are having with their husbands. I don’t understand. Is it because these people are hoping that they can find someone of the opposite gender who can hopefully explain to them what their other half is really thinking about?
How about those wilderness people who spend their whole life studying animals and plants? Most of these people rarely have human contact unless they are working with a partner.
July 4th, 2007 at 12:45 am
Dang…so hooked on your blog I didn’t go to bed yet.
I have 3 men (former lovers from our college years) with whom I remain friends, and each tell me that I am the only one they can talk to about anything. They all have mentioned that even though their wives tell them, “You can tell me anything”, the wives don’t want to hear their husbands deepest darkest fears, the wives don’t want to hear that their husbands think their ass is getting wide (but they love it anyway), the wives don’t want to hear that the husband really wishes he could just chuck all the responsibility and take off on a Harley (or be a surf-bum, or a forester). I listen, and I don’t judge. I validate, I distill and reflect back. I DO NOT speak ill of their wives, EVER. I DO NOT break their trust and flirt with them when they are vulnerable. You who would be friends to people of the opposite sex; please don’t cross over the line in your friendship. The intimacy that comes from being a true confidante can be an opening for sexual attraction, and I think that we friends must ignore that to be most valuable.
When you tell us to find someone to talk to, you didn’t also admonish us to BE someone to talk to!
And lastly, I honestly don’t think that anyone involved in relationships of any kind can honestly say they have never had their feelings hurt, their trust betrayed; I think that just comes with the territory. At this point in my life, I don’t worry so much about that hurt and betrayal. I enjoy the sharing, and if it ends, I let go and move on. My uncle is in the business of temp staffing, and for the past several years has joked, “It’s ALLLLL temporary.” At least, I used to think it was a joke. The more I ponder it, the more I think he is right; it really is all temporary, and the pain we experience is when we try to hold on (to our expectations and desires). As I recall, that is a Buddhist philosophy, but I certainly didn’t get it from studying Buddhism; I got it from living life!
Jeez, your blog makes me think! My favorite quote used to be from Socrates; “The unexamined life is not worth living”. But then, I read in a book called “Learned Optimism” that people who ruminate tend to be more depressed, so I’ve tried to ruminate (examine) less and act more since reading that book.
Perhaps I should name myself “the ruminator”….LOL!
July 4th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
Wow… thank you both for such thoughtful responses! You’ve both added quite a bit to the original message of the post.
@MY: You’re right - it’s amazing what people will tell you, especially when you’re the only person around. I think a lot of the time people just want to express themselves and get things out. They don’t want to publish a book or put it on a billboard… but just telling *someone* - anyone - makes them feel better. I also think you’re on to something with the whole “talking to the opposite sex” thing. There are differences between men and women that neither will ever understand about one another. Maybe getting a male perspective on your husband or a female perspective on your wife helps make whatever the situation is a little more easy to grasp.
@Meg: Good points about not crossing the line! You’re absolutely right - that’s a very intimate situation. It’s easy for that closeness to turn into something else if we let it. It’s also easy for others to perceive the relationship as more than it is. As far as talking about BEING someone to talk to, I linked to a previous post about being a good listener. I had intended that post to make the point you’re getting at but I guess it wasn’t clear enough. Haha. And you’re also right about the frailty of relationships. There’s no guarantee that the people we count on today will be around tomorrow. I was just telling a friend of mine the other day that it was a bad idea to invest all of his “venting trust” in one person for that very reason!
Thanks, again, to both of you for adding so much to this conversation!
July 10th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
I totally understand having someone to vent to, or to let your feelings out with. Thanks for putting up with me. -E
July 11th, 2007 at 7:56 am
No problem… even when you tell me to go see some of my “doctor friends” for medication. Haha.