Jealousy Isn’t the Answer to Relationship Problems
August 6, 2007
Jealousy is one of my least ‘favorite’ emotions. Why? Because more times than not it is completely baseless or it revolves around some material possession. A lot of the things we get jealous about are things we could change if we really wanted to. But sometimes they’re not. Sometimes jealousy comes from insecurities that we feel or situations that we perceive incorrectly.
Case in point: relationship jealousy.
Two people are in a relationship. Almost immediately one or both of the couple begin to get possessive of their new partner - especially around the opposite sex. Usually, because one or both of these people is looking for someone to “complete them” (yeah… I know… ‘gag’, right?), the relationship becomes what I like to call exclusive/inclusive. In a nutshell, exclusive/inclusive means that neither party in the relationship is really free to have external friends (exclusive) and the other person in the relationship is supposed to meet all of their social needs (inclusive).
But when it comes to this kind of jealousy, who is more guilty - men or women?
The Case Against Men
Men like to think that “jealousy” is a female emotion. But deep down inside, these same men know that’s not true… because they’re usually just as, if not more, jealous than their female counterparts. Men are especially jealous of other men. They love to brag about their women to their male friends… but they don’t like those friends to look too much or actually try to spend any time with their women.
Men also become jealous of other women. Women talk to each other too much and if your woman is spending a lot of time with her female friends, they’re probably filling her head with all kinds of lies about you. You’ve got to stop this before it turns into an episode of Sex and the City. This usually leads to that exclusive/inclusive thing I was talking about earlier.
The Case Against Women
Just like men, women also become jealous of other women. If their boyfriend/husband/whatever spends too much time with a female friend a lot of women jump to the conclusion that she’s trying to steal him away. I mean… it’s highy unlikely that this female friend just enjoys your man’s company. She’s got to be a little tramp!
But women also get jealous of men. I’ve experienced first-hand the jealousy of a girlfriend who thought I was spending too much time with her man. At one point *I* was even accused of trying to steal her boyfriend. No… she didn’t think I was trying to steal her boyfriend like THAT (at least I hope she didn’t). She just thought he liked spending time with me more than her and that he’d eventually just stop spending time with her.
So you knew I was being facetious just now, right?
I don’t really think that way. But a lot of folks in relationships do. Both sexes are equally as guilty of relationship jealousy. Now of course I’m making some generalizations here. Every person in a relationship isn’t out there fuming because their significant others spend time with other people.
But the ones that are do so for one of two reasons:
- Loneliness
- Insecurity
A Relationship is Not a Cure for Loneliness
Sure… I understand loneliness. I realize that sometimes we just want to be with other people. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of relationships begin as more of a cure for loneliness than anything else. You meet someone that you seem to like… they seem to like you… and suddenly your loneliness starts to diminish.
The problem is that a cure for loneliness cannot be the basis of a relationship. In fact, an exclusive/inclusive relationship born from jealousy and a desire to have someone around at all times to take away the feelings of loneliness is destined to implode on itself.
No matter much you like another person, you will eventually get tired of them. Trust me. It might not have happened to you yet. But it will. Once the exclusive/inclusive relationship is firmly established, it’s hard to branch out and find other people to spend time with. Not only are you in a relationship that discourages such behavior, but a lot of the people you used to spend time with have moved on to other people after you tossed them aside.
Once this realization is made, feelings of resentment begin to crop up. You start blaming the person in your relationship for “ruining” your social life or running off your other friends. In actuality, it takes two people to form an exclusive/inclusive relationship. Folks in this situation have no one but themselves to blame. They also have no one but themselves to hold accountable for breaking the exclusive/inclusive cycle.
Get out… meet people… rekindle damaged friendships… and stop blaming your partner. You might just realize that spending less time with your significant other is the thing that ultimately saves your relationship.
Your Insecurities Are Your Own Issue - Not Your Partner’s
Sometimes jealousy crops up in a relationship because one or both members of the pair are insecure about something. A lot of times their insecurity revolves around themselves. They may have a constant fear that their partner is going to meet someone they like better. They may fear being cheated on. Or dumped. Or just ignored.
Guess what? If your partner wants to meet someone else better suited for them, it’s gonna happen whether you try to lock them into a relationship or not. No amount of relationship lock-in, exclusive/inclusive, couple’s counseling, marriage counseling, etc is going to change the fact that some people are just not compatible.
If you really do feel insecure about your ability to be the person your partner is looking for, it might be time to start asking yourself if you really should be with that person. The insecurity is your issue. It’s not your partner’s. You have to figure it out on your own… and without trying to hold your partner hostage in the meantime.
Some insecurity is more broad and deals with the relationship as a whole. Do you worry that you’re just not a good couple? Do situations continually stress the relationship and make you wonder if your partner is off looking for someone else? Are you afraid that the time he or she is spending with other people is an attempt to get away from you or the relationship?
If you’re constantly asking yourself those questions… you already know the answer. If you’re jealous of the time your partner spends away from you because you think he/she wants out of the relationship, they probably do. There’s a reason these thoughts come to mind. Call it intuition… call it “a feeling”… whatever you want to. But chances are the questions are popping into your head because of a bigger picture of things that you’ve noticed.
What Jealousy in a Relationship Really Means
If jealousy has found its way into your relationship it’s usually a bad sign. A healthy, mutually beneficial relationship is jealousy-free. Why? Because the people in the relationship are secure enough with themselves and the relationship, self-aware enough to not see the relationship as a cure for loneliness, and honest enough with themselves to realize that their partner needs other people in their life - of both sexes.
Instead of spending time drilling your partner on where they’ve been, who they’ve been with, and what they’ve been doing, start drilling yourself. Ask yourself the tough questions:
- Is this really the right person for me?
- Is this relationship mutually beneficial?
- Is this relationship strong enough to survive time apart?
- Do I trust my partner enough to spend time around the opposite sex?
If the answer to any of those is “no”… it’s time to start think about moving on. Think about it this way: if you’re afraid the person you’re with will find someone better… doesn’t that mean there’s someone better out there for you, too? If folks are a good match, they’re both a good match for one another - it’s not a one-way street.
Now tell me… why are you really jealous?
Posted in Advice, Emotions, Relationships
August 8th, 2007 at 9:10 pm
In the working world we are in today, there are probably lots of people who hope to spend more quality time with their significant other. I mean we spend more than 1/3 and sometimes more than 1/2 of our waking hours at work. We see our co-workers more than our family members. Now why would anybody want to spend the little time they have left with their friends rather than with their significant other?
Plus, in my opinion, people should be able to include their significant other in any friends’ gathering. Why do we have to separate the groups? I understand that sometimes we would rather express our problems with our friends, but get real people, if you have a problem you should be able to talk to your closest friend which should be your significant other, right?
August 8th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Oops, got off topic a bit there. Jealousy in a relationship…well, I’ve never been in a relationship so I can’t comment on that.
I used to be really jealous of people who were smart, smarter than me. But now that I’m grown up, I’ve come to realize that intelligence isn’t everything, being knowledgeable goes a longer way.
August 10th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Intelligence is multi-faceted, too. I know a lot of “smart” people who are as dumb a rock when it comes to common sense subjects. And I know a lot of “dumb” people who do a better job getting through life than the “smart” ones.