Reader… Meet the Real Author

February 11, 2008

I’d be stating the obvious if I said that I wasn’t writing as much as I used to. As I’ve previously pointed out, part of that is because I’ve been doing other things lately. But that’s not the whole story. The primary reason I haven’t been writing at Reader Meet Author as much lately is because my clarity of thought hasn’t been what it used to be. I’ve been confused about a lot of things that I used to think I had figured out.

I used to think I had it all figured out.

Presumptuous of someone who hasn’t even been alive 30 years, right? Trust me… I know there are more than a few chuckles in the room when I say things like that. If I’d been 100% transparent and open here over the past 4 years there would probably have been even more of those chuckles.

Over the past year - and specifically the past few months - I’ve been going through a pretty substancial philosophical change in my outlook on life. I resisted the urge to talk about it before now because 1) it’s a little more personal than I’m used to making public and 2) some of the things I’ve written here in the past don’t fit into this new philosophy. I don’t like the idea of contradicting myself. And I’ll admit - I don’t like the idea of back-tracking to say “ya know… I was wrong about that”.

But that’s what I’ve been doing a lot of lately.

I’m not sure exactly when this change started. But over the past few months it’s begun to solidify into something that I’m more comfortable to talk about. In fact, a conversation with my brother last night about that very topic prompted me to go ahead and bring it up here. And when I tried to boil this way of thinking down to it’s simplest point for him, all I could come up with was “Be”.

That’s what I’m trying to do. Be. I’ll explain that in more detail in the future. Remind me.

Not long ago I began to take stock of my life. What had I done with it? What did I still want to do? What did I feel was missing? What was good about it… what was bad? You know… fluffy existential crap. For each thing I came up with that was bad, unpleasant, or in need of change I found a common denominator.

I asked myself what I’d tell someone else who was trying to address a similar issue with their own life… and the answer was always the same: change your outlook.

Change your outlook. Change your outlook.

Oh yeah. That sounds simple. Change your outlook. No big deal, right? Just throw out the old book and start a new one. Yeah… it should be easy to do that. Especially after spending the better part of a decade honing and perfecting your outlook on life into something that you liked to refer to as “realism”. Go ahead… do a search of Reader Meet Author for “realistic” or “realist”. You’ll see it numerous times.

I still consider myself a realist. I still like to think that I look at the world from a realistic perspective. But another aspect of realism has begun to creep into my head that’s thrown a wrench into a lot of my previously held beliefs. As time goes on… I’m becoming more and more comfortable with that wrench, too. Remember I said I’d taken stock of my life? Well… as usually is the case when we look inside ourselves… I wasn’t all too thrilled with what I found in that stock.

My philosophy had turned me into a bitter, cynical, angry person who found little to no real joy in his own life.

That’s a pretty damning statement. Especially when it comes from your own mouth. And I can say with almost complete certainty that it’s the most honest thing I’ve ever said to myself (or here for that matter).

When I looked back at my life I could find nothing in my past that would lead me to be such an unhappy, angry person. I had a great childhood. I have a wonderful family. I’ve lived in comfort my entire life. Nothing outside of the normal realm of unpleasantries that we have to deal with in life have occurred in mine. So if it wasn’t something from my past… what did that leave?

That left me. It was “the way I am”. I’m not sure if it’s possible to put into words how scary that realization was. And how sad it made me. But what do you do when you realize that it’s not the world that sucks? What do you do you when you find out it’s not the rest of the world that’s ugly or boring or joyless… it’s you?

You change, damn it!

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Or… trying to do, at any rate. And while I can’t obviously go into all of the finer points of what’s been going on in this single post, I can say that some of it must be working.

I’ve been happier (and I mean genuinely happier) the past few months than I’ve ever been in my entire life. My parents even noticed that something was different about me. They were in town for a couple of days not long ago and I had the chance to sit down with them alone and just talk. We talked about a lot of things… including some of the realizations I’ve been having about my life. After they got back to their house my mom called to tell me how much both of them enjoyed our chat.

My stress level has gone from an 8 to a 2. And I can honestly say that all sorts of little things that I’d have written off as mundane a year ago now add something pleasant to my life. I used to always tell people that it didn’t take much to make me happy. But I always said it in a very sarcastic, self-condescending way. I never meant it. It was more of a way of saying “my God I’m bored with this crap”. But ya know… I’m coming to realization that there is actually some truth to that statement.

As I said… I don’t have the time or typing dexterity to lay it all out on the table at once. Besides… you’d get wicked tired of it before too long. If you’re not already. Haha.

I know it’s not going to be easy for me to push the “Publish” button on this post. I’m going to read it about 10 times before I actually post it for all to see. But as I said on day one of this blog… it’s more for me than anyone else. So I might as well just bite the bullet and put my bitterness and cynicism out there.

As well as my attempt to change it.

Am I still bitter? Yes. Am I still cynical? Very much so. Am I unhappy? Much less so. And I have a sneaking suspicion that the rest will begin to follow that trend as time goes on. It’s a slow, slow process to change one’s entire outlook on life. I have no doubt that I will always be bitter and cynical to a certain degree. Those feelings will always be on the verge of breaking through… no matter how much I try to change. It’s hard to break a ten year habit.

But I’m trying to do just that. And whether you like it or not… I’m taking you with me! :P

Posted in Noteworthy, Personal

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