The Most Annoying Sound Ever

March 31, 2008

Last night was cool and rainy… so it seemed like the perfect night to open the windows and let in some fresh air. The problem is, as I’ve pointed out numerous times, I live across the street from a bar. And Saturday nights are karaoke night. Normally I find the sounds coming from the bar mildly entertaining. There was a smashing rendition of a Creed song last night that particularly made me laugh.

But at around 1 am, as the bar was beginning to wind down and get ready to close, another sound began to flood through my open windows: an obviously-drunk, shrill-voiced, ranting woman screaming the word “NOW!” over and over again.

Think nails on a chalkboard meets Fran Drescher doing her impersonation of a cat being skinned.

And she just kept going… over and over and over again for what seemed like ten minutes. “NOW! NOW! NOW! Come here NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!.” If I’d been at Wal-Mart I’d have imagined she was talking to a disobedient child. If I’d been at the park I’d guess she was talking to a dog that wasn’t quite ready to stop rolling in the poop.

But no… she was at a bar filled with what I can only assume were adults over the age of 21. And apparently one of them wasn’t moving fast enough for her. I can’t really blame the person she was screaming at for not listening. I wouldn’t want to get close to a sound like that. You know how looking at the sun will eventually burn your eyes out? I’m willing to bet listening to that “NOW” in close proximity would cause the blood to spring forth from the ear canal.

And I was hearing it from across the street. I can’t imagine what it’d be like if I was right there.

So my question is: how did this woman not know that what she was doing was not only violating city disturbance ordinances, but also just annoying as hell and probably counterproductive to her cause? Seriously. You can’t tell me that her screeching NOWs usually work. I find it hard to believe that being obnoxious and loud and annoying actually helps a person get by in the world.

If so, I’ve been going about things all wrong.

Do people like this not know that they make the rest of us want to apply pressure to their jugulars with our bare hands? Do they not know that annoying does not equal a good way to deal with people? And it’s not just Ms. Drescher-skinning-a-cat from last night. It’s all of the people who go through life being loud, obnoxious, rude, and otherwise oblivious to the rest of the world.

I really wish I had a way to record the sound I heard. You wouldn’t believe it. Whatever you’re imagining in your head, multiply it by an annoying factor of ten. Part of me says that it wasn’t really as bad as I thought it was. Part of me says I was just being overly sensitive because I was in bed trying to sleep (which is probably true). But the rest of me says that this was by far the most annoying sound I’d ever heard in my entire life.

It was the first time in my life that I’d wished I owned a weapon capable of distance attacks.

Just a pellet gun. Something to get the message across without actually hurting anyone. A nice, fast pellet to the ass would have made me feel much better. Or perhaps one of those nets that you can fire from a gun. Ya know… like a projectile spider web. Fired directly at the offending mouth.

I guess it’s a good thing I’ve got a violent video game to take my frustrations out on. Now then… where’d I put that sniper rifle…

Posted in Miscellaneous